Polite Social Fictions

We’re working on telling the truth of how we feel - both of us. It’s so easy to just give into the polite social fiction that everything’s okay. By the time you’re an adolescent in our society you have some mask that you can slip on to hide the truth of your feelings - that your teacher is an idiot, that your parent is a tyrant, that you like that girl or boy that you would never admit that you like. As you grow older and face more social situations, you gain a variety of these masks that you can slip on and off, sometimes easily, sometimes with great difficulty. But every successful adult knows how to put on a mask and hold it together.

When your child’s brain is telling her to stop, just to stop being, you need a new set of skills - how do you help an adolescent learn that sometimes the instinctive and “protective” mask that means no one asks them difficult questions also means no one can help them. It sounds so simple: “This will hurt you, tell us what’s really happening inside your head.” But of course nothing is that simple, and the logic center of the brain won’t be developed for years yet.

We’re working on positive reinforcement of the behavior we want to model (aka praise), and trying to keep some of the pressure off. Praising when she tells us how she’s really feeling, no matter what that feeling is. Asking her to grade separately where she is in terms of desire to die and intention to make that happen, but if she doesn’t want to talk about the reasons behind numbers that’s fine. And making that "fine" is hard for me.... It's hard for me not to know the why.  I keep reminding myself that it's not necessary for me to understand, just to support her through it. I’m not her therapist; I’m her safe place.

I’m working on this skill too. There’s a line between not telling family and friends that I need space and support because of everything we’re dealing with and telling coworkers the details of what’s happening. Finding that balance is hard for me. And years ago I decided that I hate when people ignore the random “How are you today” kind of questions, or treat it like “Hello”. And so I would respond to them - and I do. The cashier at a store I've never been to asks how I am, I answer. Not in great detail, but I answer. Fast forward to now, and everything that’s in turmoil, and when I get to a meeting and people ask how I am... I struggle to answer. The polite social fiction would be easiest, but it’s a lie. And I am not okay with lies.

Honestly most times I really wish people would just stop asking. And I know munchkin does too.