The Tears We Don't Shed

Sometimes it's hard to talk even to people that love us. Hard to either pretend that everything is okay or have to talk about how everything isn't.  I know that they are trying to "be there" for us.  I know that they are reaching out in love.  But response takes effort, and right now all of my efforts are turned internally - keeping her together, keeping her whole, working her plan.  I invest time and energy in things that move that forward.  Want to have a friend sleepover? Watch a movie? Just sit close and do completely different things?  I'm in.  But a friend of mine wanting to talk or god forbid go out?  Nope, not on my radar.

Unhealthy, yes. But true nonetheless.

Because the truth is that I'm a hair's breadth from crying All. The. Time.  There's a knot in the pit of my stomach that just Won't. Go. Away.

And leaving to go listen to music or do some other random thing sounds insipid. I don't want to talk about the latest tiny drama of someone's life. And I sure as hell don't want to talk about the giant drama that is happening in ours.  We talk about it all the damn day long - to each other, to doctors, to therapists, to school counselors, to my boss and HR, to others that need to know.  If I have any time to myself, the last thing I want to do is go out and talk to someone.  I just want to lay somewhere, where no one will talk to me at all, and maybe read a book.

Unhealthy... maybe.  Though I would argue that some of us don't recharge in the presence of others.  Talking to people is only draining to me, never recharging.  To recharge I need to be left alone to zen out for a bit, in nature would be ideal but disappearing into a book will do.  Right now, there's no real zen to be found, but an hour by myself in the quiet is the closest proxy I'm going to get.  And since I'm so drained already, on an everyday basis, I don't have the wellspring I can usually draw from to put up with even well-intentioned social interactions.

We went to the birthday party of a close friend's son this past weekend.  Best part of the party for me was not the cake or watching him open his gifts (though he was very excited and adorable), but that I could sneak away into the living room and just sit for a few minutes and not have to talk to people.  They weren't offended.  I made myself get up after a bit and go back to the main group.  I made myself interact and act "normal".  It's one more stress I don't really want right now, but for major friend events of course I need to put that aside and be present.  I'm capable for short sprints, but it's effort.

And just as I tell my teen, if friends are real friends they'll understand when sometimes we need those breaks.  Sometimes giving space is the best thing that someone can do to show me that they both know me and care about my feelings.